Jokes

[Shaun Eric Ewing]

Thought I would make this thread for jokes, they do not have to be dog related, you will have think about how you write them as children might read them. No swear words but improvisation is allowed.

Shaun

[buliebuse]

My teenage sons favourite joke

'Whats the difference between a woman & a battery ?'

'A battery has a positive side'

Ju ;D

[temwani]

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?

Three - one to ask the woman to buy the light bulb, one to fetch the chair and one to supervise whilst the third pours the beer and discusses who should stand on the chair!

[buliebuse]

Sandra,Jan,Ewa etc
I'm sure you'll all know the answer to this one !

(Being closet blondes)

Why did the blonde climbe the glass wall ?



***

What do Viagra & Disney-land have in common?



Ju

[bulieboerboels]

Hi Ju,

I don't know Why did the blonde climbe the glass wall?

and What do viagra and disney land have in common?

[mayahund]

Well guy's it's that time of the year.......
So why not try the latest in diets? ;D

Dog food diet

One Saturday I was running errands for my wife. I had gone to Wal-Mart
and was standing in line waiting to buy a large bag of Purina for my
Labrador Retriever. A woman behind me looking at the bag, asked if I had
a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the
hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my XXXX (X-rated word by moderator) and a car
hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

Ewa

[mayahund]

And heres an idea for those of you that are old and feeble in another thread;
There will be no nursing home in my future.........

When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship.

The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount &senior discount price of $135 per day.

That leaves $65 a day for :
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day, or I can have room service (which means breakfast in bed every day of the week).

3. Princess ships have as many as three swimming pools, workout room, free washers &dryers, & shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste &razors, free soap &shampoo.!

5. They will treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. TV broken? Light bulb need changing? Need the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets &towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go.

So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

P.S. And when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge!!

Ewa

[buliebuse]

Ewa
You old softie
Have my pillow ready & waiting for Mum & Dad - they're not spending any of my inheritance!
Ju

[buliebuse]

As far as I remember you're not blonde
so not a chance in heaven of getting the joke!
Ju

[temwani]

Ju,

Paul is definately not blonde!
Heading for white though.

Geri

[buliebuse]

Paul
2 hours wait
2 minutes coming!
Ju

[bulieboerboels]

Thanks for that.Thought this might be topical I saw it on the back of a van the other day and yes it was a white van. "Remember a dog is for life not just saturday night."
Comments please.Regards Paul.

[buliebuse]

Saw it on the back of a van?
Tell me was it your van?
Ju

[temwani]

Ju,

Since Paul drives a car these days and so the "van"is mine - it certainly wasn't ours.

Paul's does however often say "Wash me please".

Geri

[buliebuse]

Really don't know how to answer that one
Ju

[buliebuse]

What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair?

Artificial intelligence

Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?

Because it said Concentrate

[mayahund]

Had a busy day at work today and this is what happened;

A guy walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter you'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage The salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullnutstin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."
Ewa

[temwani]

Hi Ewa,

Great joke!

Geri

[mayahund]

I don't know if you need a touch of Greek heritage in you, to like this one, but I love it

Mitsos lived above his restaurant with only his beloved dog. One day the dog died and Mitsos went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog died. Could you do a Trisagion (Memorial Service) for the poor animal? He was like a son to me."

Father Nikos shook his head, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But, there's a Unitarian church on the next block, and God knows what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for your dog."

Mitsos said, "I'll go right away Father. Do you think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Niko exclaimed, "Kyrie Eleison! Mitso, why didn't you tell me the dog was Greek Orthodox?"
Ewa

[buliebuse]

Shaun
You really need to sort out some of the Ads by Google that appear at the top - understandably you need to keep the AA one for certain people (Sandra
Just been on 'what type of dog are you '- turns out I'm a blinking Irish Setter!
Loopy but not that loopy!
Ju

[temwani]

Ju,

I don't know about that. Irish Setters are sleek and elegant looking and not as stupid as the red ones!

Geri

[buliebuse]

Husbands
My 1st hubby in Latvia booked me on the Olympic bob-sleigh run for my birthday & for Xmas I had a parachute jump.
The bob-sleigh might have been ok if I'd have been allowed a helmet (Health&Safety back then was non-existent)& the parachute jump ratio was that only 70% opened.After Xmas I left after doing both.
Another hubby whilst in Mexico 1 year became very friendly as I did,with a tiger sanctuary.My Xmas present was to go out into the middle of nowhere with this guy,tiger & black panther in a boat & 'exercise' them.Hmmm me thought, was ok, getting pulled along by this tigers tail (Whose name was Satan - reassuring!), until he suddenly decided to dive down.I would never have believed it.
So far current Hubby hasn't lined up anything for me - but knowing I'll do just about anything for a giggle am holding my breath come March , when its my birthday



Ju

[temwani]

Wow what a picture!

[marty43]

that looks amazing , not many people have done that, what an experience

[bulieboerboels]

That must have been a fantastic experience Julie.Great picture thanks for sharing.Birthday in March Eh?Regards Paul.

[temwani]

What's the difference between God and a doctor?

God doesn't think he is a doctor!

[temwani]

Brain walks into a pub and asks for a pint of bitter.

Landlord says I'm sorry I can't serve you.

Brain says "Why I only want a pint?"

Landlord "You are already out of your skull!"

[mayahund]

Forgot to say; Absolutely fab picture!
Now take this the right way, I don't now why, but it gives me a feeling of adds for whiskey and cigarettes in the 50-ies Maybe it's the swimsuit,Ju But be proud - You got proof

Sounds like you and me could do some serious lying around the campfire and a bottle of whatever's left when the rest of the gang had theirs ;D Strange thing about having lived a "different" life is that folks just don't believe the things you've done They take one look at me and go "Never"! Well I can't help if I led a different lifestyle than my neighbor and if Baron Von Munchhausen is a relative
Ewa

[buliebuse]

Ewa
Just be thankful I had a swimsuit on!
Looking forward to a 'couldron' of chillie around the campfire, bottles in hand this year,& a good old chin wag.
Ju

[sandaharr]

Ewa,I am constantly amazed by the tales Ju tells of her previous lives!!All true and can be verified,just like the tiger tale,(tail!!) ;D