Jokes

[bulietaz]

hi ryk
(nearly put hey ryk but thats a joke in itself)
i hate you!
just read your list of THINK and i now need a dry pair of panties!
cris

[buliebuse]

Great Jokes girl
Ju

[buliebuse]

A BB & an old man sitting on a porch in his overalls.
Tourist pulls up in his car "Excuse me Sir does your dog bite?" No was the reply.With that the tourist got out of the car & then got completely savaged by the dog - during this time he yelled out to the old man "Thought you said your dog didn't bite?".
"He doesn't & that isn't my dog!"

[ryk]

mayahund said:

Hey Helene; can't you get out of the house due to too much snow either? ;D

Great jokes!
Ewa

I´ve been out of the house…

***

A blind man goes into a resturant.....the waiter who is also the owner goes up to him and gives him a menu...sorry said the blind man..I am blind and can´t read the menu...just bring me a dirty fork to smell and I will order from there....the waiter ..slightly puzzeled.. brings the blind man a dirty fork...mmmm... that smells good...that was potatoe pie..please bring me that..the blind man eats his meal...pays and goes.

A few days later the blind man goes into the same resturant..again the waiter brings him the menu..sorry said the blind man....I am blind and can´t read the menu...please bring me a dirty fork..again the waiter brings him a dirty fork to smell..mmmmm that smells good..that was Macoroni cheese...again the blind man eats his meal..pays and goes.

A few weeks later the blind man goes into the same resturant...this time the waiter remembers him..rushes into the kitchen...say to his wife Mary...rub this dirty fork on your "secret part"....she did that and handed the fork back to her husband....
this time as the blind man sits down the waiter says...I remember you..I already have a dirty fork for you to smell......the blind man takes a big breath...has a good smell and says..hey I didn´t know that Mary works here !!!!

[ryk]

STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS:

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think,
Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

Cool Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

10) Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease

[ryk]

A man escapes from prison where he has been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, Inside he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
while tying the homeowners wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck and then goes up to the bathroom. while he´s in there the husband whispers over to his wife "Listen this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! he has probably spent a long time in jail and hasn´t seen a women in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex dont complain, dont resist, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry he could kill us both. Be strong honey..I love you.
His wife responds "He wasn´t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he is gay and thinks that you are cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey .......I love you too.

[ryk]

just one more…





A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While
Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he
failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.

She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to
him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3x 3?"

Johnny: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Johnny: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third- grade
should know. The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think
Johnny can go to the third-grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The
principal and Johnny both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Johnny, after a moment "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Johnny: "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: What starts with a C and ends with a T is hairy, oval, and
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Johnny: Coconut

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, But Johnny was taking charge.

Johnny: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer...

Johnny: Shake hands.

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Johnny: Tent.

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.

Johnny: Wedding Ring.

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you
blow me, you feel good.

Johnny: Nose.

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Johnny: Arrow.

Ms Brooks: What word starts with 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?

Johnny: Fire truck.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

"Send Johnny to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"



****


or two…




A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring a t him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to. Shaking him the big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn AROUND!"

[bulietaz]

ryk
if you,d sent all those jokes individually, you'd have god status by now!
cris

[mayahund]

Not being able to get out of the house for 4 days has made me bored stiff aswell Fortunatly my pc hasn't been affected by the snow!

Helene! keep the jokes coming - they're saving my boring day!


Here's a useful idea for you travellers out there...

If you are sitting next to someone who's really irritating you on a plane or train, here's a way to get back at them.

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Boot it up.

4. Make sure the guy who won't leave you alone can see the screen.

5. Open this message.

6. Close your eyes and tilt your head upwards.

7. Then hit this link:

www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf

[temwani]

Hi Ryk,

You are the goddess of jokes ;D

Please post some more!!!

Geri

[ryk]

The pope goes to visit the 7 dwarfs, as he finnishes his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question,

Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?
No Dopey there are not ....replies the pontive

Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?
No Dopey there are not chuckled the pope.

Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?
No there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world said the pope sadly.

And softly in the background the six remaing dwarfs start chanting !!











Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin.

[ryk]

An 83 year old woman decided that she had done and seen everything, and the time had come to depart from this world.
After concidering various methods of doing away with herself she came to the conclusion the easist way would be to shoot herself through the heart, the trouble was she wasn´t certain where her heart was..so she phoned her doctor to ask him..he said that her heart was 2 inches bellow her left breast.


So she shot herself in the left kneecap

[ryk]

Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Everytime they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

[ryk]

A newspaper reporter was trying to take some photo’s of a bush fire- unfortunately he couldn’t get close enough for any decent shots so he rang his boss (the editor) and ask about hiring a plane to get some aerial photo’s instead.
The editor was in a panic and shouted “get your butt to the airport – I’ll have a plane waiting for you. We have nothing on the front page of to-nights roll out! I want photos ASP!!!”

So after a short time the reporter came to a screeching halt in the airport carpark, grabbed his camera, ran over to the plane on the tarmac, already sitting there with the engine ticking over ready and waiting. “OK” he shouted as he climbed in “Rev her up and take off”.

Not long after once getting up to a suitable height our reporter said “ok let’s go over to the north side of the fire” “Why?” was the response from the guy flying the plane. Instantly frustrated our reporter says “Cause I’m the reporter – I need to get photos of the fire!!”

There was a long pause then the other guy said “Err – you mean you’re not the flying instructor?”

[ryk]

How to Deal With Telemarkerters

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

5. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

7. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

8. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

9. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh No!!!" and then hang up.

10. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/ her if he/she will give you his/her! HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up.

11. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

12. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

13. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a pizza.

14. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

15. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your mom?"

16. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...louder...

17. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

[bulietaz]

what do you call a man with a spade on his head?
Doug

what do you call a man with a car on his head?
Jack

what do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
cliff

what do you call a man in a raincoat?
mac

what do you call a man in a raincoat in a cemetary?
max bygraves

[bulietaz]

hi ewa
stupid enough to hit your link
that is so funny!!!!!
;D
cris

[temwani]

A boy went to his grandfather's house for a week. On the first night at dinner he found a thick, slimy goo on his plate, so he said to his grandfather "Grandpa is this plate clean?"
"As clean as cold water can get them." his grandfather answered. This went on for the rest of the week. On the last day when the boy was leaving the dog wouldn't let him through. So he said "Grandpa your dog won't let me through." His grandfather replied "Cold Water go lie down"

[temwani]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind Of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at The blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally... a smart blonde joke.

[temwani]

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu

(Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot.)

[temwani]

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small southern town out in the country. She orders the fried chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she chokes on a chicken bone.

Well, these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking, and they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over, and the second country boy starts licking his butt.

She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his coveralls back up and says to the other excitedly, "You're right Billy Bob, that Hind-Lick Maneuver works like a charm."

[temwani]

A couple goes on a vacation to a fishing resort in Northern Alberta. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?"). "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day Ma'am," and he left...

MORAL OF THE STORY :
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can think also.

[temwani]

A man is walking down the street when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says CRUISES - $100. He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head with a baseball bat and throws him in the river.

Another man is walking down the street a half hour later, sees the sign and pays the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him with the baseball bat and throws him in the river.

Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together and the first man asks, "Do you think they'll serve any food on this cruise?" The second man says, "I don't think so. They didn't do it last year."

[temwani]

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The Doctor quickly responded, "$5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."

[temwani]

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

[temwani]

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

[temwani]

One day, Satan was out for a walk through Hell, making sure things were running smoothly. When he got to the Lake of Fire, he saw a man sitting by the lake, relaxing in a lawn chair, and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all. Perplexed, Satan approached the man and asked:

"Young man, are you not hot or bothered by this heat?" The man replied, "Oh no, not at all. I lived in downtown Toronto and this weather is just like a typical July day in the city." Satan thought that this was not a good sign, so he rushed back to his office and turned up the heat in Hell another 100 degrees. Satisfied with himself, he again returned to the Lake of Fire to check on the young man.

When he got there, the man was showing a few beads of sweat, but that was all. Again Satan asked the Torontonian, "Are you hot and uncomfortable yet?" The young man looked up and said, "No, the temperature is just like a hot August day in Toronto. I'm coping it just fine."

Satan decided that he had to do something drastic to make this man's stay in Hell unpleasant. He went back to his office, turned the heat all the way down, and then turned up the air conditioning. The temperature in Hell quickly dropped well below zero. As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over. He also saw the Torontonian jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and yelling into the air.

"This looks promising!" thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made out what the man was shouting: "The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup! The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup!"

[ryk]

bulie2 said:

One day, Satan was out for a walk through Hell, making sure things were running smoothly. When he got to the Lake of Fire, he saw a man sitting by the lake, relaxing in a lawn chair, and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all. Perplexed, Satan approached the man and asked:

"Young man, are you not hot or bothered by this heat?" The man replied, "Oh no, not at all. I lived in downtown Toronto and this weather is just like a typical July day in the city." Satan thought that this was not a good sign, so he rushed back to his office and turned up the heat in Hell another 100 degrees. Satisfied with himself, he again returned to the Lake of Fire to check on the young man.

When he got there, the man was showing a few beads of sweat, but that was all. Again Satan asked the Torontonian, "Are you hot and uncomfortable yet?" The young man looked up and said, "No, the temperature is just like a hot August day in Toronto. I'm coping it just fine."

Satan decided that he had to do something drastic to make this man's stay in Hell unpleasant. He went back to his office, turned the heat all the way down, and then turned up the air conditioning. The temperature in Hell quickly dropped well below zero. As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over. He also saw the Torontonian jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and yelling into the air.

"This looks promising!" thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made out what the man was shouting: "The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup! The Leafs have won the Stanley Cup!"

Great!

[ryk]

Why man call their wife "honey, darling"??

A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those lovey names." The old guy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

[ryk]

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"